A Shifty Night

Tonight had an odd quality to it. You know, that odd feeling where it seems everything will work out. Just work out. Everything.

It was weird. It was peaceful, tranquil, everything. The calmness seemed to have collapsed to one, single moment; the stillness seemed to have reverted to now, and now alone.


Perhaps it will all work out?

Volatile

It really bothers me when you look up a word in the dictionary and you get about 5 definitions, all that are different.

Shit!

Nappy

I just woke up from a sweet nap.

I have averaged, the past couple of days, 1.333333 naps a day.

Today, my mind weighed heavy on things before I fell asleep.

I had a lot of thoughts.

I didn't realize the transaction between the thinking and the sleeping; I felt as though, when I awoke, I was thinking the whole time in my dreams.

And I believe I was.

Heavy Steps

My dad, when he gets frustrated or angry or sad or depressed or moody or reckless or anxious, my dad, when he gets any one or combination of these things, he tromps around with a certain weight to his feet; each step is thrown down and it's heavy.

My dad, when he gets jaunty or jolly or frisky or easy-go-lucky or smiley or thoughtful or inspired, my dad, when he gets any one or combination of these things, he floats around with a certain lightness to his feet; each step is gracefully set down, and he frolics and glides.




But wait, I lied.

This doesn't describe my dad; no, no not at all-- it describes you, Trevor.

And your feet have been heavily banging against the ground a little too often lately, and they are starting to ache.

Rapture

Peppy, peppy, peppy, disgruntled, peppy, peppy, peppy!!!

Cheese sticks, bananas!

It's impossible to describe the taste of chocolate.... and shit!

Eight years old, two a.m., asleep, in a car, in the parking lot of a casino...

:}

An Ode to Someone

You are incredible.

Just look at yourself.

See? See?

Carriable

I got a book by Tim O'Brien called The Things They Carried to read over spring break.

I shall see if I can do it.

I need something to get lost in, because it's been way, way too long since I've lost myself. Hopefully this will do the trick.

X

To X's song "I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts":

Thank you. The advice in your title is spot-on, and I must remember not to.

Predicament

"The unexamined life, is not worth living."

-Socrates

Plop!

I have been dropping a lot of things in the toilet recently. Today, when I picked up my clothes off the ground after getting out of the shower, a sock went astray and landed right smack dab in the pot.

A few years ago, I decided to clip my nails while going to the bathroom. I mishandled the clippers, and plop! they went, right into the toilet.

I didn't bother to fish them out.

Third Reference

My third reference to Blood on the Tracks.

This album is absolutely timeless.

I just watched "I'm Not There," and every time a song from Blood on the Tracks came on, as Bob says himself, he (myself) felt "a tingle to his (my) bones."

Hey:
"I could stay with you forever, and never realize the time."

Spanky and Yarbles

If I ever get a pet of my own, I think I shall name it "Spanky," with a nickname of "The Spanker."

Either that, or "Yarbles." The word "yarbles" in the Nadsat language means balls.

I always have the option of "Bowie," though, too.

Peppy!

For any who don't know, every penny or dime or nickel or quarter I see, I pick up.

Lately, I have glimpsed potential coins on the ground, and I stoop over to pick them up, only to realize they are just pieces of gum smooshed to the ground in a circular shape.

At these times, I act like I have an inch on my leg, so then I don't look like an idiot that thought some gum on the ground was a coin.

Fucking gum on the ground.


Peppy!

Gas Pump

There is something rewarding about using your own money to pay for gas.

Yes, that is my twenty dollar bill, and yes, I am paying for something that I don't want, but that I need. It was my hard work that is paying for that gas.


.......and to think I could have bought a record or something with that money.

Shit!


Did I ever say that, as a kid, I looooooooved to smell gas whenever I was at the gas station?

If gas is still around when I'm a father, I should remind my kids not to inhale the fumes of gas so liberally, as I once did. It could be dangerous, and they could end up like me...

The third grade

I remember, extremely vividly, a scene in third grade:

Everyone was sitting cross-legged in the sitting area in the classroom, and we were discussing something. And I remember I had something to say, and my arm shot up. The teacher called on me, but I couldn't talk... because some joke had been uttered right before and my classmates around me were hoff-hoffing and all at it. The teacher had to quiet them down before I was able to speak.

And I always used to know what it was I said right then. It was one of those things which you think you will always remember... you just don't have to think about it because it will always be there, in the back of your mind.

But one day, I thought of the situation, and I forgot what it was I said.


I remember everything preceding it, but not the it.



I want to know it.

Three goals that I wish were my goals

Three simple goals to do each day:

1.) Engage in a random conversation with a random person.

2.) Give somebody a compliment.

3.) Accomplish or create something, no matter how little.


I wish that these were my goals, because I think that it would be great if I followed them.

Blog

Man, I thought that me doing this blog would allow me some creative outlet.

And be, in general, cool.

But man it sucks, and man, I have failed.

A memory I have

Or a piece of information, that I am trying to forget.

Trying really hard to forget.

Remember to forget, Trevor.

Economic Recession

So I open up the new toothpaste that we got, and it's smaller.

And now every time I hold it in my hands, it really bugs me since I'm used to the bigger size.

It bugs me!

Her Voice

Her voice sounds like an empty playground at dusk.


I'm no good at poetry, and I hate being pretentious, but fuck me if I don't like this image.

Laffy Taffy

Laffy Taffies for adults is a necessity in the marketplace.

Erg

I changed the password to my email, and now I always have to attempt twice since I always unconsciously start with the old one....

Drats.

Strength

I think I have already titled an entry as this. Oh well.

Trevor, your character possesses no strength whatsoever.
You are a coward.
A pig.
Go ahead, give up.
Give up, do it.

Seriously, Trevor, you should think about growing up. Grow the fuck up already. What are you waiting for? What is holding you back?


Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts:
"She had done a lot of bad things, even once tried suicide
Was looking to do just one good deed before she died"

I shed one single tear.

(And man, those lines by themselves don't have an effect at all. I wish I could post that part of the song...And, oh, I realize the only music I have talked about is Bob Dylan. I shall broaden my spectrum.)



Maybe I should pursue a career as an opening act. You know, an opening act which the audience enjoys at the moment, but once the headliner comes onto play, the audience's memory of is completely erased and forgotten. I seem to be good at this already.

I could do it, why not?




Trevor, please stop bashing yourself like this.
I don't like you when you do this.
Go to bed, you shall be better in the morning.

Late

Driving home tonight in the rain and the dark with the streets all glossy with water and the wipers wiping away...was total bliss.

This week is going to be hell, but after it is up, it most certainly won't be hell any longer.

Hairs cut

The thing I like most about haircuts is for awhile there, you are unrecognizable to yourself when looking in mirrors and all. The people around you, they get used to your new face before you do; they are one step ahead in the brain activity that is recognition. It's neat how that works.

I remember one time, I was looking at the art gallery at my school. In the middle they had a big display case that had sculptures in it. I looked at it, then saw this kid looking through the other side of the case, and I wondered Hmm, who is that, and peeped to look. Lo and behold it was a mirror, and I was seeing myself.

The point I am trying to make, is that I just got a haircut.

Who am I?

A wanderer wondering, or a wonderer wandering?

The word "always" makes me sad

I eat kiwis in rapid succession.

The Pauper's Principles

Right now, it's relatively early in the morning, and the sun is shining right onto my face from the window that is to my right.

It kind of hurts my eyes, but I like it. I look through my glasses and the light reminds me that they are filthy with dust and all sorts of debris, and I ought to clean them.

Last night I had a dream that my friend cautiously opened a door that had a sign saying "Emergency Exit, Alarm Will Sound." The alarm, of course, went off, and I was forced to bolt out the door with him. Even though we got a head start from anyone trying to catch us, they still got me.

I think I am relatively fast, but apparently I am slow as hell in dreams.

Deep Rest Tonight

I really like certain goodbyes, and really loathe certain other ones. When somebody says, really sincerely and heartfelt, "See ya, Trevor!" or something of the ilk, it makes me feel good. But with the modern, hip "Aiight, Peace" I just feel impersonal and dull.

And I am bitching about goodbyes, holy hell...

Early Light

I don't particularly like it when it gets dark late. In the summer and spring, you know. Right now its 7 o'clock and it's still light as day, and I feel antsy, and I don't like it one bit. The nighttime--when it's dark-- is the best time... it just has the feeling and mood to it that lightness can't rival. Ambiguity? I have no clue what it is.

Did I ever mention that I can concentrate and do homework better when it is dark out?

Oh, and driving, driving is rapture at night. Driving sucks during the day.

Bah humbug.

An Invitation to Deviance

So yesterday, we had a substitute in sociology class. We had to take a quiz, and it was on social deviance. And, yes, this little story has a punchline and it has a point and it is not me just prattling along aimlessly about boring shit (Ha! Like I'd ever!).

Here it is: as he was handing out the exams, he quipped to the class, "If any of you can't remember any of the answers, well... just think of the weekend!"

I thought it was fucking hilarious, but apparently nobody else. It also made me a little sad though too, because I would fail if I thought of pairing my weekend with social deviance, and others would probably ace it...

Plus, when I asked to go to the bathroom, this sub responded, "Of course," which is a very refreshing answer to the normal--and very trite, might I add-- "Sures" and "Yeahs" and "You have ten seconds starting nows," so thus, this substitute was very cool, in my book.


Yeah.




P.S. I have always said substitute with one t, as in SUB-SIH-TUTE, instead of SUB-STIH-TUTE... what the hell's wrong with me??

Do not smile

When I put shaving cream on my face, and then smile or open up my mouth, my teeth look hideously yellow.

I shall not smile when shaving from now on.

I'm sorry, there is a barrier ahead

Today I was walking down the hallway to get to my first hour class. Apparently the kids in this hallway think it's fashionable to completely clog up the walkway so that when people want to get by, they have to bump and push and shove just to get through. Now I think that this is just a wee bit worthy of complaint, but I'm probably way off base and these kids visions' are truly correct, not mine, not whatsoever.

Anyways, I was dodging through the cluster of kids, and, since my options were really running low, I was forced to opt to walk over a few girls' outstretched legs who were sitting down against the wall.

I guess fending for yourself to get through the hallway to your class isn't agreeable, for one of the girls spat out to me after I had stepped through the obstacle course that was their legs, in a really acrimonious tone, "Thank you!"

And I replied, all bitter-like with a mocking, "No problem!"

Seriously people, I don't want to be a dick. I want to be far from it, actually. But when you say stupid shit like this... well... (I wasn't even being a dick, really, so..)

The appropriate response from me, however, would have been to feign that I had forgotten something in the other direction and proceed to trample on top of their legs a few times, putting some real flip force into each and every step.

I really should have done that.

yet another question

What's the longest you've ever stared at yourself in the mirror?

The Colour of Moss

I have an army jacket that is green. I also have some pretty snazzy pants that are green.

I am afraid to combine the two, because then I'd be all green.

Disease Infecting Speck O' Dirt

Yesterday, right before I was about to refill my cup up with juice, I spotted a speck of dirt at the bottom.

I didn't bother to fish it out.

Cool Cough

A few weeks ago, back when I had my cough, I frequently tricked people into believing that I had just sneezed, as this cough of mine sounded very much as so.

I would cough,
a person would go, "Bless you,"
I would say that it was a cough not a sneeze,
the person would say, "Oh."

Trevor, you are one cunning son of a gun for deceiving these people!

Oh, I'm not?

Oh, okay.

A Kid

A kid at tryouts today completely stood out to me.

When we went up to take grounders, we had to yell out our numbers. This kid, when his time came, yelled out his number, 504, in the most uncertain, unconfident voice; a timid squeak that displayed to everyone his weaknesses.

I don't know why, but for some reason I really admire this kid.

Gobs Of

I spit on someone the other day. Accidentally, of course. I turned my head, sensing that nobody was in vicinity of me, and painted the concrete with my saliva. Or, at least, that's how it was supposed to happen. Some kid, incredibly stealth-like, snuck up behind me and was about to pass me...and unfortunately, in doing so, got some nice, wet spit on his pants.

I apologized profusely, of course, but he seemed perfectly complacent and okay with it. Which seemed odd to me, but at least he didn't whoop my ass.

Folk's Traits

Trevor, there are two things your parents do that irks you. They are:

1.) Your mother, whenever someone compliments her on what a delicious meal she cooked, always manages to find a fault and says something like Oh, I didn't get the broccoli done enough.

2.) Your father, when someone makes a minor suggestion or minor criticism, will become all downtrodden and go I'm SORRY and react as though you are taking personal shots at him, even when it's something as small as "You got the wrong salad dressing."

Trevor, these are just little things that bug you, they are no big deal. But I'm just bringing this to your knowledge, so that if you read this way down the line, you can check to see if you are doing them.

Because I sure as hell hope you aren't.

So stop, if you are.

Strength

It's funny how the things we tell ourselves not to do, no matter what the magnitude of importance and how hard you pursue yourself, you still manage to do them.

No, no, don't do it, it's better if you don't do it, you just need strength to get past it, don't do it!

But you still do it.

Sparkles

Have you ever gotten so angry at yourself that you whapped yourself in the head really hard, and right after that, you realized that you hit yourself a bit too hard, and you can see a light in the back of your head where your fist struck your skull, and a medley of different colored sparkles can be seen there? But only for a second, and then it goes away.

If I could draw

I would make this into a comic.

But I can't.


Here:

Two moms talking. One mentions this:

"Yeah, Timmy was acting just out of control today, so I had to send him to the tantrum room."

Other says this:

"Oh, yeah? Is that the "time-out" room?"

First one responds:

"No, its the room where he can break a bunch of useless shit."

Other mom laughs, because she thinks it is a joke; it's not.

The Little Notebook

My brother gave me a fabulous little notebook for Christmas. It's handmade and got this wonderful flexi-cover and you can tell it's high class. Ernest Hemingway, in fact, used the type. It is a marvelously special gift.

I haven't even touched it yet.

You see, it's one of those things where you are afraid to use, because you're afraid to ruin it. It's the same to me for Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks. I fucking love that album. Every single song on it. But yet, I don't want to listen to it, because I don't want to take anything away from those raw emotions; I want to feel them every time I hear that album, and listening to it casually and often... that detracts from those emotions, dulls them. So I pull Blood on the Tracks out whenever I can relate, because that's where its power lies--that one moment where it hits you hard. And, in regard to the notebook, I don't want to fill it up with a bunch of shitty ideas.


But, really, I ought to pull this notebook out. You know, jot some of my ideas (albeit shitty) in it.

Am I on verge of change coming?

No, but keep telling yourself that.

Table Talks

You know that you are a bit pathetic when one of the things you vehemently look forward to in your day is continuing the conversation on the table in physics with some unknown person from a different class period.

I wrote "How are you this fine day?" and he or she responded "Lovely, although I just took a test" and I scrawled down "I'm sure you aced that sucker" and he or she erased everything and then I wrote "No response? I cry."

He or she better respond tomorrow or I will be all boo hoo hoo and the like.

Big Heads

The other day, I was in an auditorium, and apparently the lights were perfectly set up so that when I took my glasses off, the people's heads on stage looked absolutely massive.

And I got quite a kick out of it.

Pending

What would happen if a couple named their baby "Pending"?

You know, this couple believes in the absolute freedom of everybody (namely their child), and so they allow their baby to choose its own name, since it's absolute tyranny for parents to make such an everlasting decision as this. And so "Pending" is just a pending name...until the child is old enough to choose. And then the child shall be named what it wants to be named.



I anticipate the day that this happens.



"Honey, would you change Pending's diaper? I'm watching the football game, I'm busy."

Despair

Erik Erikson's 8th stage of his developmental theory is old age, and the conflict is this:

Integrity
vs.
Despair

The key idea is that you either look back at your life as successful, or unsuccessful.

Already, looking forward into my life, Despair is the overwhelming favorite in this heavy-weight match-up. Despair is predicted to knock the fuck out of Integrity in one round...probably the first punch thrown.

So buy your tickets to this match today! A brutal beatdown with plenty of blood that is sure to bring you home pleased!

Well-Worn Pants

The other day, it was a Friday, I was in class, and I was wearing gray dickies. I said to my friend:

"You know, if I hadn't worn these pants today, I would have worn my black jeans five days in a row."

My friend laughed, but the girl next to him slightly gagged and made a very, very repulsive face.

A memory I have

that I wish were true... but I know is false, since the event never happened.

Anyways, here is what happened:

Picture an elementary school. Picture out of control kids. Picture the teacher leaving for a minute. Picture these kids just having read a story about spaceships. Picture these kids, as kids do, imitating the noise of a spaceship launching off.

Anyways, this was the scene. And everyone in the class took their turns making these spaceship noises, all of them spewing a fair share of spit out of their mouths. But none of them could quite replicate the noise of a spaceship launching off. Frankly, all of them just sounded like people making noises with their mouths--nowhere near an authentic spaceship launching.

And then someone told the kid that never talks to give it a go. "Let's hear it, Bobby!"

And this Bobby, it's as if a demon possesses him: his face contorts and turns weird colors, and then he pipes out his noises.

....and they sound exactly like a spaceship launching off.

PPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGCCCCKEKCKCKCKCCPSPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKRRSHKSHKRRRSHKSHRSKSSSHKK
GGGGGGGGGGGGGCCCCKEKCKCKCKCCPSPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKK
KKKRRRRRRRRRRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKRRSHKSHKRRRSHKSHRSKSSSHKK

And the other children are left to wonder: What the hell does this guy do in his free time? Or does this shit come naturally?


So ends my fake memory.

The day my world turned upside down

was the day I found out the real pronunciations of the words "poignant" and "psyche". Previously, like a doofus, I would said "poy-GANT" and "psych," but then I learned the correct sayings of "POY-nee-ent" and "psych-EE". And I realized that, maybe, I could be doing this with a bunch of other words, and eventually it will all catch up to me and someone will publicly stone me for mispronouncing a word.

It isn't my fault though. I see these words in books or something, and never quite get the adequate introduction of someone speaking them.

Therefore, I think the audio book tapes could run an successful advertising campaign along the lines of "Hear the correct pronunciations of words... and not how your idiot imagination thinks."

I think something like that would boost sales dramatically.

Forgetting Things

The little things in life now seem to completely fly over my head. It's as if I don't even register them happening. When I'm in the shower, I never remember if I've already soaped parts of my body, so I do it again (you know, just in case.) When I'm in the car, I'll turn to switch on my lights, and then I'll see that I already have turned them on. And the other day, I had a major panic episode. It went like this:

"Oh my God, did I just forget to breath a minute ago?!?"
Pause.
"Holy shit, I do not remember breathing at all a minute ago!"
Pause.
"Man, this is not fucking good. Shit. Dammit."


And so sums up my life's story.

Sign

The other day, when I was driving down the road, I saw a sign that read:

DO NOT WATCH OUT FOR THE BUMP THAT ISN'T THERE

I was scared shitless.

Predicted Results

I remember reading in my psychology book that back in the day, the method of intelligence testing had results that claimed how your smartness level compared with your actual age. For example, a 5-year-old could score as the intelligence of a 12-year-old, 18 y.o. as 30 y.o., 80 y.o. with 120 y.o. (because that last one really makes sense..)

Anyways, I was just wondering what my scores would be like if I were to take one of these tests today that showed the results on intelligence and a few other spectrums ...

Predicted results:
(I am 18 years old, for your information)

INTELLIGENCE: 21 years old

PHYSICAL: 20 years old

MENTAL: infant

EMOTIONAL: infant

SOCIAL: infant

SEXUAL: fetus



Hell, yeah!

(And the first two are probably lower since I was being liberal in my predictions, as to make myself feel better...)