I swear I had something to look forward to as I woke up. I swear I went to bed thinking, There’s something exciting for me when I wake up.

But I wake up, and there’s nothing. And I don’t think I forget anything.

It sometimes pays off to have absent-minded friends. When you don’t feel like hanging out, you don’t have to make excuses, they just forget.

ha!

I saw a friend
the other day we hugged and laughed and slapped hands.

He said hey
I probably said that too, and then

You still doin your thing?
Yeah, I'm still doin my thing,
you still doin your thing?
Yeah, I'm still doin my thing.

He had to go though
so soon

and saying, see you, and
turning around.
I should have said

what happened to you, and
what happened to me

It was the other day though, when we
hugged and laughed and slapped hands
not today.

I had a shake at a restaurant yesterday. It was 5.95. It wasn’t any good. The waitress came by and said, “aren’t our shakes just amazing??” and I lied and said, “Oh, just amazing.”

And then I was taking a shower the next morning and I was longing for the water to just stay and caress me, I needed it. But every drop just nicked me and then proceeded to fall to the ground.

And I touched my scar on my ankle—and it still hurt. After all these years, the wound is still hurting me.

Sometimes I listen to music only to realize how lonely I am. It should have the opposite effect, shouldn’t it? I’ll listen to the yelps and wails and cries of the singer of the band, and I’ll feel something, and I’ll just want another person to feel that same feeling with me.

But all they ever hear is just a bunch of shitty yelps and wails and cries.

have you ever told anyone you missed them, even though you don’t even know the person???

That’s like quasi-physics or something.

I haven't smiled once today! Good God, I need to find something to smile about, right now. This is ridiculous! It's like a cigarette smoker craving a cigarette...I'm craving a smile, and I need one now.


I over exaggerate. I smiled three times today, that I can recall.

While away at college, I completely forgot about the concept of people decorating their houses with christmas lights.

I’m glad I forgot about that cultural phenomenon for a bit…. but now it’s re-learned. So big deal.

I feel like a jerk. I just got back home. My family keeps wanting to come out and join them. But I just feel like a jerk because I just want to stay in my room on my bed, and be by myself, and try and sort things out and read and write.

So, um. I may not be bothering other people....but I'm bother myself. This incessant complaining. It's bothering me.

It's funny how that works. How one can be bothered by oneself.....it's like I'm not even controlling my actions. But then who is the "I" that is admitting to being bothered? Are there two "I"s?

I'm rambling.

“He’s been whimpering in his sleep, John.”

“Whimmering? What do you mean whimmering?”

“Whimpering, John. Whimpering. ”

John Brink plopped down on his favorite blue chair while his wife, Cheryl, stood across the room in the kitchen, her one arm wrapped around herself and the hand of her other stroking her temple. He had just got home, his suitcases still placed on the couch adjacent to him.

“Oh come on,” John responded. “Our son is not whimpering. You’re mixing up babbling in dreams, with—”

Cheryl straightened up, moving her arms from their previous position and now using them to illustrate what she was saying.

“John, for the past three nights, as I went to bed, I opened his door and heard him. Whimpering. For ten minutes I listened to him, and every couple minutes, distinctly a whimper.”

She let her words resonate for a moment, and then she put her one arm around her and put the hand of the other against her temple, like before. She looked down, her eyes distant. Her husband stared at her for a time, then looked out the window and began to speak.

“Well, I still think you’ve been mistaken. Ollie? Our little Ollie, whimpering in his sleep? I really think you’ve been mistaken. Don’t you go thinking, now, that our Ollie is like those dreadful Rosely boys. He may be different, but there’s no reason to jump to the conclusion that he’s been whimpering.”

John looked back Cheryl, gazing at her for what must have been twenty seconds. She continued to look down. Finally John rustled, and got up from his chair, walking to Cheryl and placing a light kiss on her forehead while putting his hand on her shoulder.

“You’re just mistaken, honey. That’s all. I’m sure—I’m sure you just missed me so much, that’s it. I haven’t had a business trip in such a long time, you just missed me, that’s all!” He smirked. She remained unflinching. John rubbed her shoulder, then finally yawned and walked towards cupboard in the kitchen behind Cheryl, got out a glass, and went to the sink.

“Well, I’m gotta hit the sack. That seven-hour plane ride really wipes one out.”

He turned on the water and filled his cup up.

“You said to pick Ollie up from the McConey’s at ten tomorrow?”

Cheryl finally moved, and moved to the front door and locked it.

“Yes, yes, Barb said she’d drop him off, but she’s got errands to run before Church. Ten.”

John finished drinking his water, placed the cup inside the sink, and walked out of the kitchen down the hallway towards his room.

“Ten it is. Night, honey.”

“Night.”

Bus stop. Two people, standing (outside), looking at an advertisement of a frigid tundra (in front of them). #1 wears wool socks, boots, a hat, shorts. #2 wears shorts, white socks.

#1: Burrrr. Burr, it’s so cold out, ain’t it?
#2: Oh, oh, ain’t it?
#1: Oh it’s chilly, chilly, chilly.
#2: Yes, yes. I can even see my breath.
#1: Worst thing about being cold is that feeling you get in the fingers. I can’t even move them when I’m this cold!
#2: (nodding)Oh I agree, I agree. No, no, I really can’t stand my ears.
#1: That’s what hats are for!
#2: My hair gets messed up. My hair is all I’ve got left in this world, it’s all I’ve got left.
#1: Hey, how ‘bout this. You wear a hat, then go to a mirror every time right after you take it off and re-adjust your hair. And if no mirror, just keep the hat on.
#2: I don’t look good in hats. I look good with my hair showing.
#1: Oh geez.
#2: Oh geez, yes, it is absolutely freezing out right now. I just don’t understand how it can be this cold. Can you?
#1: Nope, never.
#2: It’s been too, too long since I’ve been this cold. Makes you think, don’t it? When’s the last time you’ve been so cold… when’s the last time you’ve been so warm, as a matter of fact . You just can’t think about being hot when it’s as cold as it is now.
#1: No question.
#2: All I can think about is my retched hands. I can’t move them! I can’t feel my ears, either.
#1: You really know it’s bad when your feet get cold.
#2: Oh, no kidding. My toes are just as rigid as my fingers right now. Can’t move ‘em, can’t move ‘em. Can’t move my fingers either.
#1: Tell you what, you need a good pair of boots. No, good pair of socks. Nice wool ones.
#2: I’ve been wearing the same white socks ever since I was ten, I’m not about to wear anything else!
#1: I’m buying you some nice wool socks. Tell you what, that’s what I’m going to do. Soon’s I get my car fixed, I’m going straight to the store, buying you some wool socks.
#2: Good, maybe my son could use them.
#1: You’re so goddam cynical, you know that?
#2: Well how can’t you be, when it’s this goddam cold out? Eh, eh?
#1: I couldn’t agree more. My fingers, I just can’t move my fingers. Goddam toes too. You ever realize your sense of smell stops working when it’s this fuckin’ cold out?
#2: Yeah, yeah, no kiddin’, can’t smell a thing! Can’t taste a thing either, can’t taste a thing!
#1: Goddam fingers.
#2: Goddam toes!
#1: Bus.

(#1, #2 exit. Finished.)

Day one
and I feel like there will be a lot more
day ones
in my future.

Day one
and even though tomorrow will be a
day two
it's really going to be another
day one
to me, I know.

As I have relatively long eyelashes, sometimes snowflakes get caught on them.

That is one of my favorite images: the intricacy of a snowflake combined with the delicacy of an eyelash.

Two things I loathe, and things like these are really turning into a bitter son of a bitch.

For one, when some tells you “okay DAD” or “okay MOM.” I suggest for people to, I don’t know, go to sleep, or go to class, and they retort with this. I try to let them know that those are the right things to do. But instead I’m just some bitch of a DAD or MOM.

Oh, and then when you see someone who you haven’t seen in a while, and he or she says: “What rock have YOU been living under?” Okay. So just because I don’t see you…just because our paths haven’t crossed, just because I’ve had loads to do, means I’ve been living a hermit-lifestyle. Reasonable, I understand totally the logic.

I wonder if one could, if in an extremely dire instant, muster up all of his dread, depression, anger, confusion…into some concentration or something, and just make it feel good,and pleasant.

“God, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“The bathroom’s right there.”

“Yeah, I know, but I just..I just don’t want to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh come on. It’ll take a minute.”

“No, I don’t want to go to the bathroom.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just don’t want to go to the bathroom! Not the going into the stall, the washing of the hands. Not the physical walking, the time. I just don’t want to go to the bathroom.”

“Well...say that in a day.”

“What can I do for you?”

“Well doctor. My friend refuses to go to the bathroom.”

walking at night during the first snowfall of the year is the perfect time for faraway thoughts...or something like that.