Well-Worn Pants

The other day, it was a Friday, I was in class, and I was wearing gray dickies. I said to my friend:

"You know, if I hadn't worn these pants today, I would have worn my black jeans five days in a row."

My friend laughed, but the girl next to him slightly gagged and made a very, very repulsive face.

A memory I have

that I wish were true... but I know is false, since the event never happened.

Anyways, here is what happened:

Picture an elementary school. Picture out of control kids. Picture the teacher leaving for a minute. Picture these kids just having read a story about spaceships. Picture these kids, as kids do, imitating the noise of a spaceship launching off.

Anyways, this was the scene. And everyone in the class took their turns making these spaceship noises, all of them spewing a fair share of spit out of their mouths. But none of them could quite replicate the noise of a spaceship launching off. Frankly, all of them just sounded like people making noises with their mouths--nowhere near an authentic spaceship launching.

And then someone told the kid that never talks to give it a go. "Let's hear it, Bobby!"

And this Bobby, it's as if a demon possesses him: his face contorts and turns weird colors, and then he pipes out his noises.

....and they sound exactly like a spaceship launching off.

PPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGCCCCKEKCKCKCKCCPSPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKRRSHKSHKRRRSHKSHRSKSSSHKK
GGGGGGGGGGGGGCCCCKEKCKCKCKCCPSPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKK
KKKRRRRRRRRRRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKRRSHKSHKRRRSHKSHRSKSSSHKK

And the other children are left to wonder: What the hell does this guy do in his free time? Or does this shit come naturally?


So ends my fake memory.

The day my world turned upside down

was the day I found out the real pronunciations of the words "poignant" and "psyche". Previously, like a doofus, I would said "poy-GANT" and "psych," but then I learned the correct sayings of "POY-nee-ent" and "psych-EE". And I realized that, maybe, I could be doing this with a bunch of other words, and eventually it will all catch up to me and someone will publicly stone me for mispronouncing a word.

It isn't my fault though. I see these words in books or something, and never quite get the adequate introduction of someone speaking them.

Therefore, I think the audio book tapes could run an successful advertising campaign along the lines of "Hear the correct pronunciations of words... and not how your idiot imagination thinks."

I think something like that would boost sales dramatically.

Forgetting Things

The little things in life now seem to completely fly over my head. It's as if I don't even register them happening. When I'm in the shower, I never remember if I've already soaped parts of my body, so I do it again (you know, just in case.) When I'm in the car, I'll turn to switch on my lights, and then I'll see that I already have turned them on. And the other day, I had a major panic episode. It went like this:

"Oh my God, did I just forget to breath a minute ago?!?"
Pause.
"Holy shit, I do not remember breathing at all a minute ago!"
Pause.
"Man, this is not fucking good. Shit. Dammit."


And so sums up my life's story.

Sign

The other day, when I was driving down the road, I saw a sign that read:

DO NOT WATCH OUT FOR THE BUMP THAT ISN'T THERE

I was scared shitless.

Predicted Results

I remember reading in my psychology book that back in the day, the method of intelligence testing had results that claimed how your smartness level compared with your actual age. For example, a 5-year-old could score as the intelligence of a 12-year-old, 18 y.o. as 30 y.o., 80 y.o. with 120 y.o. (because that last one really makes sense..)

Anyways, I was just wondering what my scores would be like if I were to take one of these tests today that showed the results on intelligence and a few other spectrums ...

Predicted results:
(I am 18 years old, for your information)

INTELLIGENCE: 21 years old

PHYSICAL: 20 years old

MENTAL: infant

EMOTIONAL: infant

SOCIAL: infant

SEXUAL: fetus



Hell, yeah!

(And the first two are probably lower since I was being liberal in my predictions, as to make myself feel better...)

Omitted Bible Section

And the Lord said to the sinful man,
"Thou shalt be punished for your sins. Every time a funny instant
enters into your life, you shall laugh, like all my sons and daughters.
But as you begin to laugh, a throat-burning cough shall interrupt swiftly,
and the previously funny comment shall be extricated
by your coughing fit. And thus, your humor shalt then be nonexistent."
And God continued, chiding the sinful man:
"Good luck with that, motherfucker."